in d middle of d nyt..i find facts abt ME..!!

I was all sleepy chatting with a friend but something that happened there just dint let me sleep. I got up pulled a pillow and held it tight. And then pictures started to flash across my eyes , not only one particular time. Images and voices from different incidents related to different phases of life and different people started to play in one go. And sometimes I realise that in order to make everything look fine and everybody feel good I ignored the most important person of my life MYSELF. Its that one odd moment when someone points out something small and you realise what we have been doing for all this time. For a second i felt so silly of myself that shit, i never realised why i was doing all this for so long. Okay so coming back to where we this started from i suddenly realised that i have priority problems, but yes i never made issues out of them and never threw tantrums on anyone.

The bottom line of the conversation was about how i felt when someone on my high priority list just din't treat me the way they should have, or that one moment when i feel i don't exist, or that feeling of being at the wrong place. If someone would do something like this on chat, on calls or any passive medium of communication i would blast-out, discuss, blame, clarify even if nothing was to changed i did everybit of it. But if something similar happens when i am there with that person face-2-face there is this sudden urge to leave the place I react differently. Instead of saying how badly i wanted them to be with me i would silently leave with poise and grace. This is not something that happened once or twice but it has happened a lot of times but i never thought of why i reacted differently, because the feeling was the same. It was the "YOU DONT MIND I DONT MATTER " feeling . That's how i frame that feeling :P

And then opens the new layer. I realised that there was not one particular reason there were many reasons for the same. Firstly no matter how weak i was from inside , i never wanted the others to pity me or dint want them to show that fake concern at that time because i believe if they cared it would not have happened in the first place. Secondly i never wanted them to leave their good times beside for staying by me, it was a treat to watch that too. Because if i react in such a situation i kill it for everyone which is the last thing on my list. Thirdly I though that if my presence did not matter even my absence wont but in the long run somewhere down the line they realised and that realisation was the last gift i would give them. Lastly its because i never want to ruin things, relations are special things for me and i will not mind holding that forever, pulling it , pushing it fighting for it but only until some on on the other end is holding it.

So its strange but sometimes people who have nothing to do with us, silly incidents that are not so remarkable lead us to some realisations about ourselves :)

that someone ..!!

When we come to this world we are all alone and when we will leave this world again we will be all alone, but in this journey LIFE that's the time between birth to death we are surrounded by people ,different people at different times, each one is send to us with a purpose . All of them don't treat us in the same way but each one has a well defined part to play. Some people come to us with a bang , some silently play their part, some want us, we want some , some come in slow, some very fast,some come with a lesson,some give us memories, some try to do things to keep us , we try our best to keep some. But in the end we all have to accept the fact that everything is planned by the director of the movie of our life GOD.

So far in the journey of life I have meet many people. I always kept my options open, because we never know someday we might end up with a perfect choice. I have been lucky in life as far is people are concerned a bunch of mad friends and super cool family is all that made life better to live. But this age in life is really crazy being a 22 yr single independent girl I was happy about how things were but yes there was something missing. Even with so many people around me I felt a void, there were times I felt weak , but somewhere down the line I got used to that feeling too . I had my own ways of entertaining my self , holding myself, wiping my tears , overcoming my fears, of cheating my soul , of convincing my mind ,confusing my thoughts. I was scared to be dependent completely on someone as in different phases of life people came I always tried living upto every bodies expectation and I loved doing that only for that smile they had but sometimes when it came to me I felt it dint matter. It was my mistake because at times even I forgot about what I wanted.

And one fine day after a long chat with my friends I was laying on bed and wondering okay lets me think what do I want of my man ..my someone...nd I ended up writing this that night as a note in my cellphone.

(p.s. This is a super filmy description)

I wish there was that one person who existed only for me,
To hold me when i wanted to run away,
To tell me I was doing good ,
To see those tears that never came out,
To hold me when I am shaken,
To stand by me even when there is no one else,
To give me a tight hug and tell me that he's there,
To predict the unsent messages,
To care about my presence,
To listen to all d crap I have to say,
To scold me when I am wrong,
To love me even when I hate myself,
To look at me even in a room full of people,
To walk beside me, not ahead or behind me,
To make me feel so secure that all my insecurities kill themselves,
That one guy in whose arms my world would end.

I don't know if any of these will be fulfilled because its all fiction a play of words and I dont have so many demands for real ..

But all I actually want is a lap to sleep and a hand to hold ..