I was all sleepy chatting with a friend but something that happened there just dint let me sleep. I got up pulled a pillow and held it tight. And then pictures started to flash across my eyes , not only one particular time. Images and voices from different incidents related to different phases of life and different people started to play in one go. And sometimes I realise that in order to make everything look fine and everybody feel good I ignored the most important person of my life MYSELF. Its that one odd moment when someone points out something small and you realise what we have been doing for all this time. For a second i felt so silly of myself that shit, i never realised why i was doing all this for so long. Okay so coming back to where we this started from i suddenly realised that i have priority problems, but yes i never made issues out of them and never threw tantrums on anyone.
The bottom line of the conversation was about how i felt when someone on my high priority list just din't treat me the way they should have, or that one moment when i feel i don't exist, or that feeling of being at the wrong place. If someone would do something like this on chat, on calls or any passive medium of communication i would blast-out, discuss, blame, clarify even if nothing was to changed i did everybit of it. But if something similar happens when i am there with that person face-2-face there is this sudden urge to leave the place I react differently. Instead of saying how badly i wanted them to be with me i would silently leave with poise and grace. This is not something that happened once or twice but it has happened a lot of times but i never thought of why i reacted differently, because the feeling was the same. It was the "YOU DONT MIND I DONT MATTER " feeling . That's how i frame that feeling :P
And then opens the new layer. I realised that there was not one particular reason there were many reasons for the same. Firstly no matter how weak i was from inside , i never wanted the others to pity me or dint want them to show that fake concern at that time because i believe if they cared it would not have happened in the first place. Secondly i never wanted them to leave their good times beside for staying by me, it was a treat to watch that too. Because if i react in such a situation i kill it for everyone which is the last thing on my list. Thirdly I though that if my presence did not matter even my absence wont but in the long run somewhere down the line they realised and that realisation was the last gift i would give them. Lastly its because i never want to ruin things, relations are special things for me and i will not mind holding that forever, pulling it , pushing it fighting for it but only until some on on the other end is holding it.
So its strange but sometimes people who have nothing to do with us, silly incidents that are not so remarkable lead us to some realisations about ourselves :)
The bottom line of the conversation was about how i felt when someone on my high priority list just din't treat me the way they should have, or that one moment when i feel i don't exist, or that feeling of being at the wrong place. If someone would do something like this on chat, on calls or any passive medium of communication i would blast-out, discuss, blame, clarify even if nothing was to changed i did everybit of it. But if something similar happens when i am there with that person face-2-face there is this sudden urge to leave the place I react differently. Instead of saying how badly i wanted them to be with me i would silently leave with poise and grace. This is not something that happened once or twice but it has happened a lot of times but i never thought of why i reacted differently, because the feeling was the same. It was the "YOU DONT MIND I DONT MATTER " feeling . That's how i frame that feeling :P
And then opens the new layer. I realised that there was not one particular reason there were many reasons for the same. Firstly no matter how weak i was from inside , i never wanted the others to pity me or dint want them to show that fake concern at that time because i believe if they cared it would not have happened in the first place. Secondly i never wanted them to leave their good times beside for staying by me, it was a treat to watch that too. Because if i react in such a situation i kill it for everyone which is the last thing on my list. Thirdly I though that if my presence did not matter even my absence wont but in the long run somewhere down the line they realised and that realisation was the last gift i would give them. Lastly its because i never want to ruin things, relations are special things for me and i will not mind holding that forever, pulling it , pushing it fighting for it but only until some on on the other end is holding it.
So its strange but sometimes people who have nothing to do with us, silly incidents that are not so remarkable lead us to some realisations about ourselves :)
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